Progress.

I love where I am in life right now, I mean granted, I could use more money, I would love a new job and to move out of this house, BUT things are all moving along pretty smoothly. I love the way I feel when I'm with him. Like the world can't get me. You are my rock. My savior. You are the sweetest most sincere guy in the world and I love that about you. You make me feel safe, like nothing can get to me. Like I'll never fall. You are such a great man and I don't know how I got so lucky or what I did to deserve you. When I look back at how things happened I am so pleased, we have both progressed along nicely, we're on the same page. We know what the other is feeling and we agree with it. I love that about us. I want the next 2 months to fly by. (: I can't wait to say "our place."

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness, and I know, everything in life ain't always going to be gold. Hey, I'll be fine once I get it, yeah I'll be good."

Friday.

Today is such a busy day, I can't even believe it! I need to be up in about 6 hours and fully functional for the entire day.. Aw hell, I don't think it will work. Lol

1st: I have a funeral in Lehi for a family member I have never met. If I didn't love my grandma so much, I wouldn't even be going.

2nd: I have Christian's farewell show in Roy. Hopefully I'm back in enough time to hear the first song, I should be,  considering it starts at 6:30pm..

3rd: It's Dee's birthday tonight, so he is putting on a concert with some other bands at Kamikaze's and I hope it isn't too loud. I have a feeling I'll have a headache by the end of the night. Lol and hopefully I can convince J.D. and Kyle to come, because that would be a lot of fun.

So what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could stop over analyzing and actually get some sleep. But the fact that I wrote the blog about Nick and at the same time Sam accepted me on facebook, (after 6 months) and is commenting on my pictures, kind of has me a little suspicious of her motives.. I love Nick, so I'm dealing with it, because I know, if I can't be with him, he would want Sam and I to get along....................... BUT I can't help but dislike the fact that she is crude in public, she took my best friend away and I think that Nick and I are a better match. Bahhhhhh it's so hard to be nice to someone you want to hate.

*God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.*

I need some cheese for my whine,

I don't like being here anymore. I love my family and I love my friends, and I love all the time spent with them, but I hate that I feel like a piece of me is missing. Like one whole piece of me has been taken away, I don't  feel like this is where I belong anymore. I want to be with him. I want him to call me baby. I want to be there. Bahhhhh. I'm such a whiner. But I can't help it.


On a completely unrelated note, I love the flowers I got for Valentines. And the good company I got the whole night. I love my roommate and the new friend I have made. (:


Ry is going to try and get me into his free concealed to carry class. That would be amazing because I want a 9mm really bad.

*Positive. Positive. Positive. I'm trying to be positive. But the only thing I am Positive of is that I love Nickolas Erich Duff.*

Things I've learned in my life,

No matter how you feel right now, it will change. Not everything is forever. When you love, love with your whole heart, don't hold back what you might regret later. Listen, with open ears. Take risks. Be spontaneous. Never feel like less of who you are. The face you put on for the world is the face you will see in disgust in the mirror every morning unless you prove yourself worthy. Be yourself, even if no one else understands it. Don't waste time waiting for someone who wouldn't wait for you. Be the change you want to see in the world. Accept criticism, enjoy life. Think before you speak. Learn from your mistakes. Trust only yourself. Speak for no one. Remember you have no place to judge another soul for who they are. If the bad out weighs the good, get the fuck out. But don't regret anything that once made you smile. And most importantly, don't forget, you were once the fastest sperm.

I am beginning to appreciate the little things,

So I ordered my new phone today! Yay me! It will be here Monday and then, no more broken screen! Plus I had a really good day with Ry. Its hard to spend time with some people because they remind you of certain things but, I love all of my memories with Ry. (:
Do you ever regret something in your life, even believing that everything happens for a reason? I mean I know that without the way things did work out that I would be a different person, but I'm beginning to believe that isn't such a bad thing.. I miss the way things used to be. I wish that I could have loved you the way you deserved to be loved, because your love for me was so innocent and pure and I took it for granted because I was scared and didn't know how to accept it. At first I didn't want you to love me, I wanted you to just be my friend, but after a while, no matter how hard I fought it, I needed your love to go on. Like a breath of fresh air, your love breathes into me the joy of a new day. And I knew that I loved you Nickolas. I've known for 2 solid years, and I took for granted the way you unconditionally love me. After everything I put you through and all the times I pushed you away and told you no, or cried and made you feel so bad, I never deserved your love. I wanted you to hate me, that way I could save myself from losing you. But it didn't work, you stuck around, always hoping for your chance. But when I finally knew in my heart I wanted nothing more than to hear you call me yours, you had moved on from me, you had found your new girl, your new love, and I am crushed. I miss cuddling up to you. I miss the looks you would give me. I miss us being silly and I miss how absolutely complete you make me feel. The last time I saw you when I was crying in your arms and you called me baby, even though I know it was on accident. makes me want to be with you more.. You have my heart, anyone that I am with is nothing in comparison to the love that bloomed from our friendship. Everything about you is why I love you. And I know its too late and that you have moved on and moved away to Oregon and that I really have no place to even think this way, but I want to think that our love is the kind that books are written about, the kind that can never die. I'm happy being single and waiting for you. Because you're worth waiting for, just like I was for so long.. I hope I'm right and that you moved away so you didn't have to combat your feelings for me. But Nickolas Erich Duff, I'm putting out for the world to see (Like I should have 2 years ago) that I love you. More than I have ever loved anyone in this world. Knowing, that it is probably too late, but also knowing, you deserve to know.
I appreciate the feeling of regret, and the pain of not being with Nick, really I do. I am so grateful I am in good health and that I have a job, and a running vehicle and that I live on my own. And I am grateful to my God that he sees that I am human and that I sin, but that I will find my way back to my savior and the right path and that my path will lead me in the right direction for time and all eternity. I know that if Nick and I are meant to be, that he will find his way back to me. And if not, I truly hope he is happy with her and she takes care of him the way he deserves. Because God knows, I put more pain in his heart than I should have, but we always made up in the end. If there is a will, there is a way, and I hope Nick finds his way back to me one day.

I've been thinking..

Its probably not healthy for me to think as much as I do, but hey, I am alone a lot more now and therefore TIME TO THINK! I really like being in a relationship, but the thought of only being with one person scares me. I know I haven't met Mr. Right because their isn't one person I have dated that I would be with now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have loved things about all of them and at the time it was exactly where I wanted to be. Plus, every relationship I have had has made me who I am. "Pain changes you" and I have had my fair share of pain. I am becoming the person I want to be and one day, maybe soon, maybe not, I will find the man I am supposed to marry and when the time comes I will know exactly what I want and exactly how to get it. But for now, I don't see the harm in being young, attractive and single. I know who I am and what I stand for, I don't need a man to define me. I am undefinable. (:
 On a brighter note, tomorrow I get to spend some much needed time with my very favorite cowboy, Mr. Ryan. We complete each other like we were separated at birth and I love him more than I love myself. I love him more than I love Jack Daniels. I love him more than I love the Green Bay Packers. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better best friend or for a better way to spend my day off. (Hopefully I can get some good pictures in too.) I'm excited. For it has been far too long that we took off on an adventure and I have been itching for one. (:

I'm more content now.

I think that breaking up with Colton even though I didn't want to at the time, is in fact EXACTLY what I wanted. While he was a good guy at first, their were things about him I just couldn't stand. The best advice I've ever received was from my Grandma and she always says "If the good out weighs the bad, get the fuck out" and I'm glad that I did just that. I have my whole life ahead of me to be married and boring, I need to have fun right now while I still can so that when I get older I'm not a cynic like my Uncle or so I don't settle and become miserable like my Mother. I want to know that the gut I marry is the right guy forever, and not just right now and luckily I knew that Colton was just the guy for right then and not the gut i want to spend forever with. But at the same time, we could have been great together. Oh well, I will find someone that encompasses all of the things I'm looking for in a man and not just a few here and there. I want a man, not a boy posing as one. And I know I will find that man, so until then I am perfectly content with being single and playing out all of my options.
So, with that said, I really want to get the specialists raise at work. I think that it would give me the opportunity to grow with the company and learn a new trade while at the same time completely proving that I am where I need to be. I want to do this, to grow myself and with this job. And I know I can. I just need the first step. (: I will keep myself motivated and in charge of my own destiny. 2012 is the year of 'power' I have the power to make the sacrifice and I have the power to be my change. I will get the job, I will have the power. I will win this race. Positive energy is what I'm thinking. (: