So I ordered my new phone today! Yay me! It will be here Monday and then, no more broken screen! Plus I had a really good day with Ry. Its hard to spend time with some people because they remind you of certain things but, I love all of my memories with Ry. (:
Do you ever regret something in your life, even believing that everything happens for a reason? I mean I know that without the way things did work out that I would be a different person, but I'm beginning to believe that isn't such a bad thing.. I miss the way things used to be. I wish that I could have loved you the way you deserved to be loved, because your love for me was so innocent and pure and I took it for granted because I was scared and didn't know how to accept it. At first I didn't want you to love me, I wanted you to just be my friend, but after a while, no matter how hard I fought it, I needed your love to go on. Like a breath of fresh air, your love breathes into me the joy of a new day. And I knew that I loved you Nickolas. I've known for 2 solid years, and I took for granted the way you unconditionally love me. After everything I put you through and all the times I pushed you away and told you no, or cried and made you feel so bad, I never deserved your love. I wanted you to hate me, that way I could save myself from losing you. But it didn't work, you stuck around, always hoping for your chance. But when I finally knew in my heart I wanted nothing more than to hear you call me yours, you had moved on from me, you had found your new girl, your new love, and I am crushed. I miss cuddling up to you. I miss the looks you would give me. I miss us being silly and I miss how absolutely complete you make me feel. The last time I saw you when I was crying in your arms and you called me baby, even though I know it was on accident. makes me want to be with you more.. You have my heart, anyone that I am with is nothing in comparison to the love that bloomed from our friendship. Everything about you is why I love you. And I know its too late and that you have moved on and moved away to Oregon and that I really have no place to even think this way, but I want to think that our love is the kind that books are written about, the kind that can never die. I'm happy being single and waiting for you. Because you're worth waiting for, just like I was for so long.. I hope I'm right and that you moved away so you didn't have to combat your feelings for me. But Nickolas Erich Duff, I'm putting out for the world to see (Like I should have 2 years ago) that I love you. More than I have ever loved anyone in this world. Knowing, that it is probably too late, but also knowing, you deserve to know.
I appreciate the feeling of regret, and the pain of not being with Nick, really I do. I am so grateful I am in good health and that I have a job, and a running vehicle and that I live on my own. And I am grateful to my God that he sees that I am human and that I sin, but that I will find my way back to my savior and the right path and that my path will lead me in the right direction for time and all eternity. I know that if Nick and I are meant to be, that he will find his way back to me. And if not, I truly hope he is happy with her and she takes care of him the way he deserves. Because God knows, I put more pain in his heart than I should have, but we always made up in the end. If there is a will, there is a way, and I hope Nick finds his way back to me one day.
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